Cannes Opening Gala

This night is the only event that rivals the annual Met Gala as fashions night of nights. The film festival, and its many different functions gives Hollywood’s brightest stars a chance to go all out, inviting decedent looks thy celebrate opulence and sophistication.  The red carpet of the Opening Night Event, was a parade of gowns fit for princess’ – fitting as the guest list includes actual royalty – and there was no shortage of sultry outfits, as has been the case for past years, with the ladies not afraid to turn the sex factor right up to 10. Below, I have simply given quick opinions, rather than paragraphs on each look. 

frederique-bel

Frederique Bel

Oh my god, I love your figure skating costume, did you come straight from practise at the rink or are you headed to a Blades of Glory themed after party that nobody else knows about? 

princess clotilde-courau

Princess Clotilde-Courau

The Actress turned Princess of Cannes lives up to her royal title in this jewel encrusted gown that sparkes just as bright as any tiara in her royal collection. I’m not going to give my thoughts on her hair though, for fear she may have me beheaded. sara-sampaioSara Sampaio

Oh my god – she is the real life dancing girl emoji 

💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

This dress is just the perfect dress for the Cannes Film Festival opening gala, and Sara is the perfect person to showcase it to its full potential. Her nude lips take a back seat and let’s her smouldering smokey eyes be the star while her clearer than clear complexion and dark hair, swept into a sophisticated updo work so well with the colour of the dress AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE JEWELES. 

Sit down, Princess of Cannes, the Queen has been crowned. 

hofit-golan

Hofir Golan

*** this is what I see in my head every time I walk into a room. Look at that smug smile. She knows she’s killing it, she doesn’t even need to hear what I have to say.

 Lara LietoLara Lietto 

Pretty but forgettable. NEXT. 

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Marion Cotillard 

Okay, I’m calling bullshit! Someone must have put Maz up to wearing this as some kind of cruel dare or maybe her stylist is seeking revenge for something really, really awful that she did to her. I refuse to believe that anybody would choose to wear this stripper/ dom/ business slut/cocktail frock Frankenstein dress  

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film FestivalUma Thurman 

this would look so sexy on the likes of Amy Adams or Christina Hendricks, but just doesn’t sit right on Uma’s (bangin’) body nor does it seem to fit her personality. But most of all, it looks so whack with her deep side part. 

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film FestivalNaomie Harris

She should be shunned to the children’s table for this ‘fun’ frock, where at least it will be appreciated. The colourful creation is exactly what would be made if a three year old was able to create her dream princess ballgown. I mean it’s cute and I would describe it as a happy dress, but it is just to many tones of bright for my liking. 

 "Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Eva Herzigova 

Apparently girlfriend missed the memo that a tan is non-negotiable when wearing gold to avoid looking washed out…

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Lily-Rose Depp 

Karl Lagerfeild’s latest muse is the perfect mix  of angelic and pure with a dark edge. She exudes a vibe reminiscent of 90’s grunge, heroin chic – like a young Kate Moss, a comparison I’m sure her mother would not be happy to have made as Mossy and Johnny Depp shared a dramatic, drug fuelled romance that will never be forgotten. 

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Enily Ratajkowski 

Emily just keeps getting better and better with each and every red carpet that she sashays down. She plays to her strengths and isn’t afraid of rocking overtly sexual looks and this coquette-ish number is no exception. It is very Bridget Bardot and her makeup and hair play on trends from the 60’s giving an final look that has me questioning my sexuality. 

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Julianne Moore 

It’s got a capelet, fishtail and feather embellishments so it’s a yes from me!

70th Cannes Film Festival - Opening ceremonyElle Fanning 

Meh. Doesn’t this Vivienne Westwood dress just feel a little too familiar? I can’t help but look at Elle as a 13 year old girl, trying on a relatives wedding gown but not yet having the womanly body to fill the dress the way it needs to be filled? Perhaps she is sneaking sister, Dakota Fanning, into the party concealed by all of that fabric. The lacklustre DIY bun isn’t helping to pull that vision from my mind, either. "Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Susan Sarandon 

*boss ass bitch plays as Susan Sarandon struts the red carpet, only stopping to twerk up on the peasants that she passes*

"Ismael's Ghosts (Les Fantomes d'Ismael)" & Opening Gala Red Carpet Arrivals - The 70th Annual Cannes Film FestivalHailey Baldwin 

What on earth is that bizarre flap of material attached at the waist? It looks like a peplum that has been stretched out and lost all of the structure that it once posessed and leaves the ‘model’ looking very heavy hipped. Plus this colour is much too bold for Hailey, who embodies the ‘always the bridesmaid’ look/ role in her clique of supermodel besties. 

Opening Ceremony - The 70th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Bella Hadid 

Boom. Bella Hadid and Cannes are a Match made in heaven – it was going to take something special to even be on par with last years red, split to the hip number, but this similarly sliced dress definitely does the trick. 

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