Worst GNO ever!


Do you ever see a photo of a group of people and just think, “Ugh! You could not pay me enough to make me hang out with them”? You know, the ones you see in the street and you just know that any tine spent in there presence is sure to be awful? The majority of people who make up these groups will tend to be white women (don’t hate on me now, bitches).

I’m talking about an easily recognised type of woman that we have all looked at and cringed. She is:

  • 20 – 40 years old
  • Loves a bandage dress
  • Drinks champagne or espresso martini
  • Proclaims, “This is my song” in the club (often to almost every song)
  • Dances with one arm in the air

They refer to getting dinner as ‘going out’ like it is the equivalent of hitting a club and the wildest of the bunch  may even stay out until 1am while the others don’t know how she manages such a big night. We all know one, hell sometimes I even become one of them – It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a hens night and become a woo girl. I’m not proud of it, I’m just letting you know that it can happen to the best of us (best being me).

These #girlsquads are more than insufferable at the best of times but they can get worse. Add in man drama and they become another species all together.

Just broke up with her man = Too many vodka shots, puking in a toilet, crying into a new guys chest with her shoes in her hand as he tries to get her into a cab before she changes her mind.

Fighting with her man = sassy and brazen, out to prove a point that she can still pull. She will be obnoxious and trying to have as many eyes watching her as possible until 1am when she is being carried out of the club.

Single with no prospects and her biological clock’s ticking booming in her head = This girl is dangerous. She becomes a wild animal, sizing up men from a distance, planning her attack with the prowess of a cheetah stalking it’s next meal. With every rejection the ferocity in her attacks grows until her aggression is visible in every move she makes. You do not want to end up her victim, and if you do… Good luck.

This photo is a perfect example of what I am talking about. They are each a subspecies of the white girl gene pool.

Karlie Kloss – Here we have the overachiever – her smile is a dead give-away. She was a straight A student, captain f the netball team, president of the student council, nice to everybody. She is the kind of person you describe as lovely, meaning she has the personality of a pumpkin and offers no real excitement.

Taylor Swift – She spends a fortune on her hair and make-up for any and every event, including brunch, In order to look the part and get noticed. By who? Anyone, really. She is a social climber desperately seeking the approval of the ‘cool kids’ and waiting for her invitation to join them, which she knows is her rightful place in the social hierarchy. It’s not all for the girls though, she is desperate to find her Prince Charming, her eyes always scanning the room for eligible bachelors, so that she can force an interaction and be swept off her feet. We call her  the eager beaver type.

Cara Delevingne – Nothing more needs to be said than moody, man-hating lesbian.

Ellie Goulding – She looks like the 40 something year old, freshly divorced girl. Her husband was her high school sweetheart who started boning his receptionist and has finally left her leaving her single for the first time in her life. Sure to be emotionally unstable, insecure and needy – a night out with her feels more like babysitting.

Am I the only one who invents character backstories like these in my head for complete strangers? I probably am, I swear to God, I’m certifiably bat-shit crazy but this is the sort of nonsense that fills my head all day, every day. No wonder I’m always running late!


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